Updates - I took a roller coaster and finally landed safely in the arms of my love.

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It has been more than a year since my last post. And it means it is more than a year since my precious Garfield had been gone. I'm sorry for letting this blog and my readers down. During this period of time, I did think of updating this blog but felt really dreaded because a lot of things happened and it is really energy draining to even pen it down to share with the world - Like, what for? Rummaging through my ever-mixed emotions, only to be reminded of my roller coaster-like life events, it takes a lot of strength and courage.

But what motivated me was this. One day, a friend of mine called me up, he said he came across my blog post on my Taiwan trip 2 years ago. I was like, "wow, someone does read my post huh?" I'm not even a famous blogger, who will read it? So, just few days ago, I finally had my laptop fixed. Bought a new battery, as well as a new SDD. I logged into my account, and holy~ my taiwan post had got a 1000 views!!!!! Such a achievement right?! *at least to me* \(^.^)/

And so, here I am. To kick start the update, I will summarise what happened during this year(s). 

Shortly after Garfield passed, my grandfather passed away too.. He was peaceful when he left, at a ripe old age of 102. A century old, just how many can have that kind of lifespan. Looking back, there were little things that I remember, he used to look after me slightly when i was small, there was little communication because I don't speak dialect (Cantonese). I briefly remembered he was not on good terms with grandma, but my parents took them in and lived together. My grandma passed away first some 20 years ago, grandpa continued to stay with us. Ever since my grandfather got dementia, we have been taking care of him. Till he was even weaker, we got a helper to look after him. Fortunately all the helpers that were with us, including the current one, was very obedient, kind and caring, and took very good care of him. 

Taking care of my dog and my grandpa, and then not long before, my dad was also diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. All of these, was pretty depressing to look at. A lot of money was also spent to manage all of these. Being positive was not at the top of our to-do list even. So when Garfield and my grandpa passed in Jan 2016, we thought, "ok, the worst is over.... It should be over, right?" Right then on 1 May 2016, my boyfriend, Olivier, proposed to me. In view of my dad's sickness, we agreed to push forward our wedding to be on 18 March 2017. Hoping my dad could watch me getting married and worry less about me. 

So at that time, dad underwent the hormone treatment for his cancer for 1 year. According to the SGH urology doctor, that first treated dad. He said this cancer is common ( yes, we all know it is the top 3 cancer for man), even though there was little bone metastases, it is not life-threatening for him at this moment, so undergoing the hormone treatment will control his condition for the time being. Then, we trusted the doctor and went ahead with the hormone treatment. Until in 2016, mum realised something was not right because Dad started complaining of constant pain. She insisted on admitting dad for a thorough check in SGH, and that was when we were told that the cancer spreaded fast and furious. Puzzled? Why everything accelerated so fast and sudden? It was THEN, we were told that the cancer type my dad had was an aggressive one, grade 9, 9/9. 

Aggressive. I heard of this... a year ago when Garfield was diagnosed. Fears and worries all came... Then why, why did the doctor not tell us about it was an aggressive cancer? Why did he not decided to do radiotherapy for my dad when the spread to the bone was still little? Ok, we don't need all that explanation anymore, do we?

Moving on, dad had a couple of chemotherapy..that did not work... We subsequently went to seek for alternative at a private clinic - with Dr Jimmy Beng. Radiotherapy came in for pain management, went for an operation in hope of controlling the cancer from spread, tried many medicines as well... All helped, then did not. Days were tough, watching my dad fight his cancer, getting thinner and weaker each day, all the medicines that he took, all the side effects took a great toll on his old body. He lost his appetite and so much weight that he weighed even lighter than me. 

I remembered the day when mum called when I was still working, the doctor said he only left with a few months. I cried like a baby, right at my work desk. And barely a few weeks later, I was told he was left with a month. Even barely a few days later, we admitted him again and finally lost him on 9 March 2017, due to lungs complications. That was the last time I held his cold hands, I still remember it. I was supposed to have my wedding on 18 March 2017, he did not make it. That was my biggest regret in life. Now we understand, there are some things that we regret about, and that is truly unable to change. 

It is now barely a month plus since he passed. Mum still missed him, I missed him too. We all do. The doctors all prepared us for this, we all know, he will not be able to be cured. In mum's word, we did not think it was that soon for this day to come. Sometimes when I looked at his photo, and some spots at home, I too could not fully accept that he is not longer with us. I remember some moments that we spent together, and feel sad that he can longer do it. It feels scary and sad, to lose someone so close to you. I got on my feet pretty fast then, when I finally thought it through that, dad is finally free of his sufferings. I still think that he died pretty young for his age - 72. An average lifespan for man now, could have been at least 75 or 80+. My grandpa lived for 102, but why my dad were not this fortunate. =(

I am super thankful for Olivier, who had been by my side since the depressing days back during Garfield's time. All the way and throughout my Dad's funeral, he was with me and even mourned with us as a son-in-law, even though we were not even married yet. I believed Dad could see it, and feel relieved that I found a great man to depend on. I am more worried for mum, who lost her beloved spouse of 40 over years. So much that we kept her company, trying to console her, I knew we will not be able to fill that huge, deep hole in her heart for losing her love. I think being heartbroken, is really an understatement for her. I think I would be worst off if I am in her shoes. Let's pray and hope that time will heal all wounds. 

There are so much thing to say, so much emotions going on, that I really cannot pen down word for word. If you have lost someone dearly before, I believe you will understand. If you had not, I wish you don't have to. Because, heartbroken is really an understatement. It is so much more than that. On top of that, you would have to take care of others who might be even more sad than you, you got to be that pillar of support because someone just lost theirs. Pain on top of pain, that's all I can say.

Now and then, I still think of Dad and feels sad. But I try to remind myself to reminisce the good times instead, letting him know that I can take care of myself, and I can take care of mum. There are nothing in this world that does not come to an end, therefore I should live on with gratitude and with the love of my Dad. I do believe we will meet one day. Thinking like that, I don't feel lost anymore because I still have him and we will be reunited one day. 

I am strong and positive because I been through 3 deaths in front of me (there's nothing as fearful and regretful as compared to death), but I would not have stood up on my feet so fast if without the support of my husband-to-be. Love, is still the main cure for any pain. I truly, truly thank my HTB for his selfless love towards me. I know he bears alot of pain and regrets in his heart too, he too is being strong for me because he has to be my pillar of support, so I can be my mum's pillar of support. I will too, support him, and heal his pain. 

I am also very grateful for all the relatives who had been helping us out at the funeral, and our friends who came by and shown concerns. My beloved friends who listened to my complaints, rants, depressing stuff all these while and gave me the support and love. I can't thank you all enough. <3

Now you all know why I have not been updating so far. I hope with this, I can start afresh and share more fun and happy stuff with my readers. Stay tuned!